Terrible News! It is Now Felonious to Use the First Letter of the English Writing System

George-Philip Dumitrascu 

We listened to the big person who produces rules *nd runs the country who told us we could not use the first letter of the English lexicon forevermore.

How depressing! We feel like crying over this news!

The news people who write this news book you’re witnessing right now feel furiously vexed. How could they do this to us? We did no wrong to elicit this response! One big key person from the government told the public the previous night, “We must collectively modify our speech to produce this rule into code,” they spoke stutteringly, while thumbing through the English wordbook. “English is—er, now perfect. Schools will now instruct students to begin memorizing their letters from the letter B from now on. The highest sought score now will be the letter B.”

Word-fighting in the House of Commons is expected to double in length due to reps spending most of their time finding coherent words to commune with everyone, yet while not being rebellious. Now they sound ridiculous while word-fighting concerning new rules for the country—now, there is growing support to remove the letter K next. “It’s useless!” spoke one furious government person. “We should’ve begun with it!”

We see for the first time how destruction of the rule brings punishment! News person, Mr. J*cob *Nderson, got imprisoned on live television news show when he spoke the terrible letter while discussing melted snow or possibly sunshine tumbling from the sky in specific times from sunrise to sunset. He refused to converse with our reporters in terror of bringing forth the letter once more, which would put twelve more months on to his sentence.  

The future is not sure due to this new rule, but be overjoyed knowing us in the news building Moons’ Hill is remodeling to the future nicely!