Christian Non-Horoscopes

Bailey Froese

It seems there’s been some confusion. You guys seem to think these are horoscopes. I’ve been sent so many angry emails by people whose predictions didn’t come true. To those people I say: you think I’m a professional horoscoper? You think you’ve been reading horoscopes this whole time? What a silly concept. These aren’t horoscopes. 

Business: This isn’t a horoscope, it’s a refund. Here’s your five dollars back. What do you mean, that’s not real money? Crypto isn’t real money either and you all pretend it is! The words “five dollars” written online are a new form of cryptocurrency now because I said so. 

Nursing: This isn’t a horoscope, it’s a secret admirer letter. It says “Dear Sarah, last night was incredible. Thank you so much for helping me drive stick shift when I forgot how and cried. Thank you for not acknowledging that I cried. I can’t wait for you to do all my chores for me when we get married. Sincerely, Guess Who.” Wowie, someone’s a lucky lady!

Education: This isn’t a horoscope, it’s an interrogation. Where were you on the night of February 3 at 6:18 p.m.? How did you get those suspicious dents on your car? Does this man’s face look familiar to you? What does this ink blot look like . . . oh, are you crying? Please stop crying. Please, I’m sorry, I’m not mad. I’m just disappointed. 

HKIN: This isn’t a horoscope, it’s a mysterious freckle on your back. What is that? A mole? A zit? An omen? A friend? You should get that looked at. 

Natural & Applied Sciences: This isn’t a horoscope, it’s a recipe. Here’s how to make Fraser’s Five-Alarm Chili: a chili that will make the Fraser fire alarm go off five times in one night. Step One: Preheat the oven to 400 degrees Fahrenheit. Step Two: Put a can of baked beans in there. Step Three: Don’t take it out. Just leave it in there. Step Four: Lightly tap the fire alarm. 

Social Sciences: This isn’t a horoscope, it’s a cease and desist from Carhartt. Please stop wearing their clothes. You are not the target audience for their brand. Do you work long hours in construction or lumberjacking? No. You’ve been scrolling Tiktok for three hours. Get off the phone and grab your ax, those trees won’t fell themselves. 

Humanities: This isn’t a horoscope, it’s a limerick:

Once there was a young man from Surrey

Who scarfed down Sodexo’s Thai curry

Which quickly passed

In form of gas

And off to the restroom he hurried

SAMC: This isn’t a horoscope, it’s your mother. She’s on the phone and wants to talk to you. It’s about the divorce. She wants to tell you it isn’t your fault (it is).